


It Hurts

by Lumos_fiction



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Age Difference, Awkward Romance, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:02:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29668395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lumos_fiction/pseuds/Lumos_fiction
Summary: Ever since Aster started the Training Corps she has been struggling with old habits. Not wanting to bother anyone they bottle them up to them point where they end up taking it out on themselves. They try their best to push themselves through training without anyone noticing but things seem to be slowly falling apart. Everyone around her starts to take notice and they do their best to help.
Relationships: Annie Leonhart & Original Character(s), Armin Arlert & Original Character(s), Bertolt Hoover & Original Character(s), Connie Springer & Original Character(s), Hange Zoë & Original Female Character(s), Jean Kirstein & Original Character(s), Levi Ackerman & Original Character(s), Marco Bott & Original Female Character(s), Mikasa Ackerman & Original Character(s), Nanaba (Shingeki no Kyojin) & Original Character(s), Sasha Blouse & Original Character(s), Ymir (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Original Female Character(s), Ymir/Original Character(s), multiple characters/Original Character(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Basic trigger warning as this story covers self harm and references to eating disorders.  
> 'Viewer discretion is advised.'

Everything hurt. Bottling everything up and Aster finally reached her limit. Their heart was aching. They felt so alone and it hurt so bad. They tried to distract herself with anything you could. Reading, walking, training. Nothing was working. This feeling would always show up at least once a month if not more. It didn’t help that she always bottled up her emotions and never told anyone. Everyone was always busy with their things and Aster never wanted to bother them with her feelings. She thought that she could handle it.

In the past Aster had a tendency to hurt herself at every little chance when they felt bad, but as they grew up they slowly grew out of that. Or so they thought. Aster would do well for so long but something inside her always pushed them towards relapsing. As much as they always tried to fight it she always went back to it. It was calling their name. Taunting them. Inviting them. Aster thought that she could make it through the day without a mishap, but she didn’t.

Sitting alone in the shower room. Aster were dripping wet as she just hopped out of the shower. They stared blankly at the blood that dripped from their thigh. She felt ashamed. She felt like she did so well without it but here it was again. Their mind started to wonder why she came in here to do it. Maybe a part of her wanted someone to come in a notice. Another part of her worried about that happening. The knife slipped out of their hand and onto the concert floor. Sighing to herself she stood up and got back into a shower stall to rinse off.

Just as Aster was worrying about someone coming in, someone did. She listened as their footsteps came to a stop.

“Are you bleeding?” A cool voice asked.

Mikasa. 

“Huh?” Aster asked, pretending to not know what she was talking about.

Mikasa bent down and picked up the knife on the floor.

“There’s blood on the floor.”

“I didn’t notice.”

ASter kept her back turned, knowing that if they were to turn around, even to just get out, she’d see her fresh wounds. She pretended to wash her body, for the second time.

Mikasa didn’t say anything about the knife. She just put it back on the bench with the rest of Asters things before going to the far shower stall. She heard her turn on the water and she took this time to quickly get out and dress herself.

Aster dried themselves off as quickly as they could, pulling on their uniform. Throwing her hair up into the towel she started to work on the straps. Fastening them tightly she gathered up her things, putting the knife into their pocket before leaving. Her face showed a clearly pained expression, feeling the fresh cuts against her pants. It has been quite a long time since she felt that feeling. Trying to shake the feeling she headed back to her dorm room. Boots echoing down the hall, she started to focus on her heartbeat. She only now realized how fast it was beating. Loudly too. The incident with Mikasa didn’t seem to catch up to her until now. A small panic feeling started to fill the girls chest. 

“Breathe, Aster. You’re fine. She doesn’t know.”

Aster mumbled to herself taking a deep breath in and out.

“Who doesn’t know what?”

Aster stopped in place, turning to see Jean standing outside him and Connie's dorm room. She shot him an annoyed glare. 

“Nothing that concerns you.” Taking a step forward to leave only to be stopped by another voice.

“Aster! You still up for helping me with some OMD gear tips?” Connie asked, half dressed in the doorway. 

Aster mentally face palmed herself, completely forgetting that she had agreed to teach some tips to Connie. She was one of the top of her class in this whole training thing. She picked it up super fast even though she barely paid any attention when they worked in the classroom. Even Jean was jealous of her skills, of course he wouldn’t tell her that to her face. Aster heard it from Sasha one time during lunch. Those three were so close. She was a little envious of their friendship. Yeah she had people that she would talk to regularly but no one to really call a ‘friend.’

The girl nodded, “Yeah of course!” Smiling, trying to make herself not sound like how she was really feeling. “After dinner, okay?”

“Yes Ma’am.” Connie laughed, struggling to get himself into uniform.

Aster chuckled, rolling her eyes before continuing her walk to her dorm. Letting out a sigh of relief she let her face fall back into being relaxed. Trying to be happy at a time when your mnd was fighting her was hard. She tried her best to pull through, still ignoring the burning sensation on her leg. 

Finally getting to her room she opened the door seeing her roommates getting ready. Hitch and Annie.

“You get up way too early.” Hitch spoke, running a brush threw her hair.

“We have to get up early anyways.” Annie chimed in, tightening the straps on her outfit.

“Yes, but Aster is always up at least one or two hours earlier and she’s always waking me up.”

Aster folded her pajamas and placed them on her head before pulling the towel off of her head, folding it as well.

“I’m right here you know.”

“It’s not supposed to mean, I'm just saying.”

“At least we don’t sleep talk.” Annie mumbled, causing Aster to let out a small chuckle. 

Hitch put the hairbrush down and turned to look at her two roommates, giving them a glare.

“I do not sleep talk!”

“Oh, you sure do. You must have some pretty interesting dreams.” Aster teased.

Hitch’s face turned red with embarrassment. Not saying anything else she turned back around, resuming her hair brushing.

Aster was glad to have them as roommates. Yeah Hitch was sometimes incredibly nosy and annoying but she was pretty fun to bunk with. Annie was quiet most of the time, like Aster was. She was smart but her mind always seems to be elsewhere. Even though they were bunk mates they weren’t the closest people in Aster life at the moment. The people she was closer to were already in the Survey corps. Being as Aster was excelling in her training she got a lot of extra opportunities and more training with the Scouts. With that came a little more ‘friendship’ building with them. Again, she wouldn’t really consider them friends. 

“I’ll see you two later.” Aster waved to her roommates before leaving the dorm once again. She headed towards the dining hall for breakfast.


	2. Chapter 2

Aster was at least thankful for having everyone be nice to her. She always felt bad for their kindness though. There was also a part of her convinced that they were only being kind for their own good. 

The girl sat herself down at an empty table with her breakfast tray. Some fruit, bread and something that was supposed to be protein? She didn’t really know what it was. A mush of some sort. Sticking her fork in and out of the pieces of fruit, debating if she was even hungry enough to eat. She felt people sit around her.

“Hey Ash.” It was Ymir and Christa. 

“That’s not my name, Ymir.” Aster mumbled, sliding a piece of fruit off her fork before playing in the mush, eyes not looking up.

“You okay?”

Christa asked, tilting her head to get a look at her face.

‘No. I feel terribly lonely even though there are so many people around me. I feel like people's kindness is fake and no one actually wants to be my friend. It hurts.’ Aster thought to herself, but the words she spoke were different.

“Yeah, just a little tired that’s all.” She forced herself to look over at the blonde girl with a smile.

“How are you doing?”

Christa smiled back.

“Oh, as good as always.” She beamed. ‘Oh to be so positive,’ Aster thought, turning her head to look at Ymir who was eating, ‘and to have such a great friend that sticks by your side like that.’

“May we all do great with training today!” Christa smiled happily before digging into her fruit that sat on her tray.

Aster turned their head back to their food, smiling fading from her lips. Still unsure if she wanted to eat she picked at the fruit of a bit before eating a few pieces. Completing zoning out to the sound of voices filling the hall and listening to Ymir flirt and tease Christa, Aster stared blankly at her food. Eating a few more bites. She felt a wave of weakness wash over her. Guess she wasn’t lying when she told Christa she was tired. Today might be a rough one.

Aster waited for most of the people to clear out before getting up and leaving herself. She was lost in your own little world watching where she was going. On her way out to the training grounds she ran into the back of Macro, who was talking to Jean.

“Ugh..” Aster moaned, looking up to see Marco, who turned around and instantly was apologizing. 

She shook her head, “Sorry Marco..I wasn’t paying attention.” She quickly walked past the two of them, not in the mood to have Jean flirt with her. As she was leaving Jean was saying something stupid as an attempt but Aster was so out of it she didn’t even notice. Whatever energy she had was running low already. It didn’t help that the pain of her being lonely had come back. She wished she didn’t feel like such a burden to others because then maybe she’d be able to freely talk to people about how she feels. But she was afraid. She knew that everyone else had their own issues so why should they bother with hers? She could handle them anyways, and they do go away after some waiting. A part of her was scared that they wouldn’t but even in the past they always would.

Mindlessly, Aster had made her way to the training grounds. Of course it was hand to hand combat today. Maybe she could release some of this mental build up. 

Aster was partnered up with Bertolt. He was much, much, taller than she was. It was a little unfair in her eyes but she did her best. Bertolt was obviously scared that he would hurt her, going in grabs but being extra gentle.

“You don’t need to hold back.” Aster told him, getting ready to throw a punch his way.

“I just don’t want to hurt you..as you are small..” He said quietly.

With that Aster pushed herself forward, her fist out in front. Bertolt reacted fast, grabbing her hand and flipping her to the ground. The girl hissed with pain as her back hit the dirt.

“There you go.” She said through her teeth, propping herself up on her elbows.

“I-” Bertolt stopped her a second, looking down at Asters thigh.

“You’re bleeding..I’m sorry I didn’t think I was that rough!”

“Huh?” Aster was confused. Looking down at her leg her eyes widened, realizing that there was a growing red mark on her white pants.

“Asters bleeding!” Sasha exclaimed running over to her.

“N-no it’s fi-”

“Are you okay?” Connie and Jean rushed over after Sasha.

“I’m fine.” Aster started to feel the panic set in, she needed to get out of there. Trying to get herself to her feet on her own but hissed at the pain of her moving her leg. No doubt about it, her wounds had reopened. 

Sasha tried to help her to her feet but Aster only moved their body away.

“I’m fine.” 

Sasha ignored her, grabbing her arm and helping her up onto her feet.

People started to gather around and Aster felt their chest getting tighter. She pulled her arm out of Sashas grasp and steadied herself on her feet, trying to walk away from the group of circling people.

“I’m going to the nurse..” Aster mumbled. Christa had asked if she could come with them for support but they only ignored her. Everyone started to whisper to each other, clearly confused.

“You really fucked her up.” Reiner, walking up to Bertolt’s side.

“I..I didn’t mean to.”

“Is she..on her..” Connie couldn’t finish his thought before Mikasa chimed in.

“Girls don’t bleed from their thighs.”

The group was quickly broken up by Shadis. During the rest of Training Aster was absent but whispers of what happened travelled around.


	3. Chapter 3

Aster wasn’t going to see the nurse. Instead she went straight to her room to deal with this problem. SInce Annie and Hitch would still be at training the problem could be solved quite easily. 

Closing the door to her dorm room she opened the drawer to the closest where the three girls shared and put all their clothes in. Pulling out the last clean pair of uniform pants, throwing them on the bed, closing the closest. She undid the leather straps on her legs, cursing at how stupid they were to take off. Removing them she slipped out of her pants and placed them in her dirty clothes pile that was under her bed. That reminded her that she needed to do laundry soon.

Shaking the thought out of her head she looked at her leg, blood smeared around, the wounds threatening to start bleeding again. Groaning to herself, she went over to the desk, opening the drawer where they kept a small first aid kit, taking it out. Sitting herself on her bed she opened the kit and took out a wet wipe. Opening it and lightly wiping it across her leg to clean it up.

“Fuck..” They hissed at the stinging pain.

Aster was pulled away from the pain hearing a knock at the door. Jumping up the first aid kit fell to the floor, the contents spilling out. They began to panic, grabbing the clean pair of pants unsure if they wanted to put them on without the cuts covered with something first. Not wanting to risk getting blood on those either she quickly threw open the closest door and grabbed the first skirt she could and stepped into it.

“Aster? Are you in there?” A voice asked from outside the door. 

Hange? What were they doing here? Did they find out about what happened already? How is that even possible?

“Yeah?” Aster answered back, kicking the scattered first aid kit items under the bed, grabbing the bloody wet wipe and clenching it in her fist.

The door opened and there stood the Messy haired brunette with someone standing behind her, holding a bag of some sort.

Nanaba? Her too? 

“Erwin wanted..females to check up on you.” Hange said, motioning for Nanaba to go inside the room. The blonde entered the room and held out the bag for Aster.

“I’m fine.” Aster stated again, taking the bag that was offered to her with her free hand, “what is this?”

“For your..uh..you know.” Nanaba awkwardly gestured towards Aster's abdomen. Aster didn’t understand why she was being so weird about it. Then it hit her. They thought she was on her period.

“Oh! I’m not-” She stopped herself, “right..yes, thank you.” She tried to put a smile on her face but started to feel blood drip down her leg. Aster wanted to look down at her leg just to see if it was as bad as she thought it was but the two women were still standing in her doorway. Why did this moment feel like an eternity. 

Nanaba nodded to Aster before leaving the room and headed down the hall. Hange lingered from a moment, seeming to examine Aster a bit longer before existing and closing the door.

Aster exhaled the breath she didn’t know she was holding. Throwing the bag of menstrual items on to the bed, she unclenched her fist, rolled up the skirt and cleaned up the blood that was slowly making its way down her leg.

Finally she patched herself up and slipped into the clean pair of pants before mentally preparing herself to go back to training.

…

Aster got back to the training grounds as everyone was putting on their OMD gear for practice. Bertolt was constantly apologizing to her even after she had told him multiple times that it was okay. She felt bad, because it really wasn’t his fault at all. 

During practice Aster couldn't get herself out of her head. She kept on missing trees and messing up. The way that this was going, if she was actually out on an expedition she’d be dead. She tried to push herself to do better and to stop thinking about what had happened early, but her head just filled with thoughts. The physical pain of being lonely, along with the fresh cuts on her legs, all her mental strain that she put on herself, and the negative thoughts were eating her up today. 

She felt herself get dizzy and her body went numb for a second before shooting pain covered her body. She fell onto the ground. Hard.

“Fuck..” She cursed to herself. Trying to push herself back up to keep going but her body felt so heavy and weak. The metal gear dug into her sides. She could feel tears filling up her eyes and her vision went blurry. Her ears began to ring and then everything went black.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any mistakes, this story is really just venty.


End file.
